BREAKING NEWS: State of Emergency – Impending Impeachment
Los Angeles, CA (NAP) 4.20.17
Unnamed growers (actually one of them was named Jay and his partner never said a word, so we’ll just call him “Quiet Bob”) announced that they have created a new strain in a secret laboratory somewhere VERY HIGH in the Hollywood Hills (our best guess is that it’s either in Kevin Smith’s or Seth Rogen’s garage). “This new strain will be the mother of all strains,” said Mr. Smith, um, we mean Jay.
We are calling this new strain “Impeachment” in honor of “so-called President 45,” said Jimmy Franco (no relation to James Franco, wink, wink). This particular strain was specially designed to be for medicinal use as it actually has the potential to cure the entire country of a hideous disease, Greedy Pussy Grabber, that is rapidly becoming a pandemic. The CDC (Cannabis Defense Council) has stated unequivocally that all citizens must vaccinate themselves against this horrific and putrid disease, before it’s too late and life as we know it ceases to exist.
Forget about being paranoid. This is not a drill. Put down your bong and keep reading.
The Executive Director of the CDC, Snoop Dogg, said “I hate to be BLUNT, but Impeachment is the only known cure for Greedy Pussy Grabber and we need to have mandatory mass inoculation to save our nation fo shizzle.” Fo shizzle indeed.
To avoid mass hysteria, we suggest you casually start leaving work sometime around 4:19 this afternoon. For protection from other Greedy Pussy Grabbers, like Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes, it’s best to stay in groups of 4 to 20 people. Go immediately to see a licensed doctor who can write a recommendation for Impeachment. Do not pass go, DO collect $200 (from your ATM) and pick up your canister of Impeachment from your local medicinal marijuana dispensary. If you live in a state that hasn’t legalized medical marijuana (um, you’re not a tree, ya know), hop on a plane and fly to a state where it’s legal to get this one-of-a-KIND medicine.
After you have inoculated yourself, your family, your pets and your in-laws (even if they are ass wipes and/or bitches, they must have SOME redeeming qualities, if not at least be grateful that they had sex with each other to produce your significant other, or adopted him or her), then call your “representative” in Congress and pass along the recommendation for Impeachment to your “representative.” Given that this situation has begun spiraling out of control and has grown from a “State of Emergency” to a “Country of Emergency” you have been given the authority to recommend Impeachment to your “representative.” Congratulations, you’re a doctor!
Fine Print: Side effects of Impeachment may be euphoria, perma smile, dancing in the streets, playing Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” over and over again, tree hugging, having clean air and water for the next 100 years, 420% reduced chances of nuclear annihilation, watching “The Simpsons,” eating Cheetos, Pizza and/or Chocolate, dry mouth and bloodshot eyes (from crying tears of joy).